On Self-Advocacy: Asking for What You Want
Making a clear ask for what you want can transform your engagement and fulfillment at work.
While among the most difficult skills to master, recognizing and asking for what you want is essential to your fulfillment and a sense of ownership in your work. It requires a mix of self-awareness, confrontation, conviction, negotiation, communication, and influence to be effective.
Why Asking for What You Want is Important
Mind-reading is a myth, especially in the workplace. Your colleagues are simply too focused on themselves and their own needs to pay much attention to yours. Your team is dialed in on achieving a specific objective. Your boss, who may have the best intentions, can’t manage to your needs unless they know what you want.
Often, the idea of asking for what you want is met with a feeling of uncertainty. Perhaps:
You don’t precisely know what you want
You’re worried asking will make you appear weak in the eyes of others and that you should just ‘deal with it’
You made a previous ask that went unheard
You don’t want to cause conflict, choosing instead to bear the negative impacts
You feel a disconnect between what you want and how the company acts and you don’t know how to navigate that
This uncertainty breeds anxiety, which creates stress, frustration, resentment, grudges, and burnout. A 2022 survey of Gen Z professionals found that more than 55% have been diagnosed or sought treatment for mental health concerns. This distress is remarkable and pervasive. In the workplace, it’s often tied directly to a mismatch between your core values, needs, and goals against your role and your work, as well as an inability to advocate for what you need to bring these into alignment.
And you’re not alone. According to a 2023 survey by the Project Management Institute, more than half of young professionals are likely to leave their jobs due to lack of fulfillment at work, dissatisfaction with opportunities for professional development, disconnect in the value their work provides to the company and customer, lack of mentorship and networking opportunities for future growth, and missing connections with their peers.
The outcome is you find yourself in a place where:
You’re disengaged and disheartened with your work, your colleagues, and your company
Change seems impossible
It’s easier to leave than to confront the core issue
You feel unlikely to find success
Many of these issues can be addressed with one critical skill: advocating for what you want to experience differently in your role, your team, and your company. We’re seeing new professionals successfully advocate for and transform organizations by:
Redefining the 9-to-5 with a more flexible work approach
Advocating for accommodations to support inclusivity, diversity, and ongoing learning
Developing and expanding new roles, skills, and strengths with coaches and experts
Pushing for an emphasis on alignment to the larger social and global purposes in their regular work
Flattening the organization for more collaborative work relationships and environments
Creating new expectations in corporate transparency, particularly in regards to compensation, benefits, and equity
How do they advocate for this transformation? With the help of a clear framework.
How to Ask for What You Want: A Framework
Advocating for what you want is a skill. It is not a natural talent, strength, or weakness; it is developed with practice. When you were young, your parents largely provided you with what you needed; as you grew up, the expectation to articulate what you needed shifted from your parents interpreting it to self-advocacy for the things that are important to you.
A couple guidelines to this framework:
First, asking for what you want is a skill of influence with others, not authority over others. If we have the authority to grant what we want, there is little need to ask anyone else. Because this is a skill of influence, two things are important: how you communicate your ask and how your confidence in the outcomes of the ask is portrayed. Cultivating the right influence with your peers, colleagues, and across the organization is often the key to success.
Second, advocating for what you want is not zero-sum. If someone else comes forward with a similar ask, it does not necessarily mean that there is only success or failure for one of you. Your want is about you, not about anyone else. Conversely, if someone else receives their ask, it does not necessarily mean that you will also achieve the same outcome.
Third, advocacy is not arguing. At most, self-advocacy may have some persuasive elements, but there is no debate or argument about your needs. If you’ve clearly identified and articulated your ask, arguments about it will warp or diminish the path toward a successful outcome. It goes without saying; keep it civil.
The framework for self-advocacy is answering, understanding, and communicating across six primary questions:
What do you want?
The age-old question: answering precisely what it is you want. The more concrete and specific your ask, the more likely it is to be considered. Broad or vague asks are more difficult to grant or execute, simply because the risk of not addressing the key need is high.
Why do you want this?
Identify the motivation for your ask and assess your commitment to it. What drives you to make this ask in the first place? What need or desire is currently unfulfilled and needs to be addressed? Again, specificity is your friend; you will have a higher probability of success if you understand your motivations for the ask.
Our advice: go through a few rounds of asking yourself what you want and why you want it to formulate as best as possible your communication about what and why you need this. Often, the actual need to be addressed is hidden under a couple layers of why you want something.
What is the outcome?
Think about what happens if your advocacy is successful. What does the world look like and why is that good for your boss, your customer, your colleagues, or your company? The challenge is to shift your mindset when thinking about outcomes; what do the results look like versus the expectations and goals for the organization? Many times, we focus more on the effort we’ve put into something, rather than the results. Flip that mindset. Incorporate the goals your boss, team, or business is trying to achieve and align your advocacy within those outcomes.
How will you achieve this?
Communicating the ask is often one step in a longer chain of decisions and actions. Do you have a clear view of what this process looks like? Often, the bigger the ask, the more steps and buy-in necessary for success. Understanding this chain of decisions can help you set your expectations appropriately, as well as provide you with a larger view of who, what, and how decisions are made within your organization.
Our advice: it is rare that official decision chains are well-documented within the organization. This is a great opportunity to harness another advocate, someone within your team who has been in the organization longer or has a broader perspective, to provide some initial coaching on this process.
Who do you need to ask or involve?
As you prepare to make the ask, this is one of the most important questions to consider: who will ultimately make this decision, and who may influence (either positively or negatively) the decision on whether to grant your ask? Assess the scope of your ask and decide who you should involve for the best chance of success.
Our advice: many organizations have some form of hierarchy as well as internal cultural norms. Don’t ignore this when considering who you should involve within this ask (and who shouldn’t be at the top of your list).
Is there important context to consider?
Timing is often an important consideration, especially if your organization is actively evolving or if there is tighter adherence to specific intervals for decisions. The format of your ask may be important as well. Informal asks may have higher success in an informal setting, delivered verbally, while formal asks may need additional background information and context, delivered in writing and easily distributed throughout the decision-making chain.
Need a framework template as you prepare to make your ask? Download the Notes from the Field ‘Make the Ask’ template now:
Predicted Outcomes to Self-Advocacy
There are four primary outcomes to self-advocacy:
Getting It
Congratulations! You thought through your ask, made your ask, and it was granted. This is the best outcome, and you achieved it. Nice work!
Best Alternative Option
This outcome is a form of negotiation. When you hear “We can’t do that, BUT we can…”, it is creating an alternative option for satisfying your needs. You need to decide if this is the best alternative option, however: does this option fulfill your needs and satisfy your motivation? If it does, accept the offer. If it doesn’t, the floor is yours to counter with another viable option that satisfies both you and your organization. In these situations, clearly communicate that you’re not confident that the alternative will work for you, but that you will consider it and respond back within a reasonable time frame. This buys you the time to develop other viable options that make sense for you.
Getting Feedback on How to Get It
Contrary to popular belief, feedback is NOT failure; there may be something misaligned in the preparation and delivery of your ask. Perhaps you asked the wrong person who does not have the authority (or the influence) to say yes. Perhaps the communication of your ask wasn’t clear to your decision-maker. Evaluate the feedback you receive, incorporate it into your preparation, recalibrate your ask, then make it again.
Rejection
Surprisingly, this outcome occurs significantly less than the other three options, but we remember the sting of it more acutely. In this situation, resilience is key. You have a choice to interpret what the rejection means. A “no” can be interpreted as a “not yet” or “not now”. It should not be interpreted as “never.” Then, get feedback; you need to understand what factors are driving the decision and what should be different for this ask to be met in the future. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you in these moments. Incorporate the feedback and recalibrate your ask, then plan to make it again once the necessary conditions are met.
Action Plan: Make the Ask
Understanding and communicating your needs is an essential component to fulfillment at work. The steps for action are below, or you can utilize the Make the Ask template linked below. Simply download this template, review the examples provided, and follow the path outlined to identify, evaluate, and prepare to advocate for your needs.
Step One: Identify What You Want
Task: Put your need or want into specific, concrete words.
Objective: Understand precisely what you want to happen to better fit your needs.
Step Two: Clarify Your Motivations
Task: Think through why this ask is important to you and assess how important it is.
Objective: Understand your ‘why?’ and your level of commitment to a successful outcome.
Step Three: Describe the Outcomes
Task: Create bullet points for the outcomes that are achieved with your ask.
Objective: Align the outcome of your ask with the benefits and value for the person who will grant the request.
Step Four: Outline the Decision Process
Task: Identify each step and the timing that your ask will potentially go through.
Objective: Scope the decision-making process (the who, how, steps, and timeline) that this ask will go through once you make it.
Step Five: Determine Who to Involve
Task: Identify your decision-maker, as well as any other influences who need to be involved to grant this ask.
Objective: Involve those who are needed for your ask and avoid distracting others who lack the authority or influence to grant your ask.
Step Six: Calibrate Your Expectations
Task: Incorporate any additional context or information necessary for the success of your ask.
Objective: Ensure your expectations are aligned and reasonable compared to the scope of your ask.
Step Seven: Make the Ask
Task: Ask your decision-maker clearly and succinctly for what you want.
Objective: Make your ask!
Step Eight: Reflect on the Outcome and Incorporate Feedback
Task: Listen for feedback on your ask and incorporate this feedback to ensure success.
Objective: Align the feedback and result of your ask for a mutually beneficial outcome.
Recommended Resources
Want to dive deeper into this topic? We recommend:
Read
Book: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High
Crucial Conversations provides powerful skills to ensure every conversation, especially the difficult ones, leads to the results you want. Written in an engaging and witty style, the book teaches readers how to be persuasive rather than abrasive, how to get back to productive dialogue when others blow up or clam up, and offers powerful skills for mastering high-stakes conversations, regardless of the topic or person.
Article: Ask for What You Need at Work
It can be hard to make “cold asks” early in our careers and relationships. By applying the science of what makes relationships work, and combining it with the art of connecting, we can hopefully get what we need at work without seeming needy. This article covers four strategies to get the most out of the early days of a new career.
Watch
Video: Having Courageous Conversations: Strategies & Tips
Sometimes being courageous requires us to step outside of our comfort zones and take risks. Watch this video to learn strategies for communicating courageously in any high-stakes situation.
Interview: Barbara Corcoran Explains How to Ask for a Raise
A common request in your career is asking for a raise. Corcoran applies the framework above to walk through the process of this ask and provides a valuable perspective on the outcomes you may face.
Listen
Podcast: Think Fast, Talk Smart: How to Take Risks in Your Communication & Career
On this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, strategic communications lecturer Matt Abrahams sits down with Daniel Pink to discuss how we should all take more risks and how you can inspire others by focusing on the ‘why’ instead of the ‘how’. “There's almost incontrovertible evidence that sense of purpose is the most cost effective performance enhancer that organizations have.”
Take Action
Template: Make the Ask Template from Notes from the Field
Need help as you prepare to make your ask? Download the Notes from the Field ‘Make the Ask’ template to help you crystallize your thoughts and plan for advocacy.